26 January 2010

Today is the day....

There are days when you get your fill of your friends and family trying to tell you how to manage your disease. And if you are anything Like Me then today is your day. I know that their efforts are purely out of concern, fear, and my overall well being. I completely get that. Honestly I do. Their concern comes from the purest place. The extra effort they put in to find research and keep abreast of the latest treatment options and developments in medications...it's exhaustive. But they never stop trying. Never stop caring. Never stop pushing. Until I push back. The days when I am irritable and angry at my symptoms. When I can't find anything comparable to make you understand how this numbness or vibration feels. It's one of those true "you had to be there" type events. The days when I'm afraid and I don't want you to ease my fears. I don’t want you to tell me it will "be alright". Because at this moment, at this every second IT'S NOT ALRIGHT!

My worse moments are early in the morning. When my body is still fatigued and it vibrates like a tuning fork and my husband constantly tells me to "slow down", "you getup to fast", "you're always moving". Ok, let's stop right there. Always moving? Doesn't he know that is the thing I am fighting every single day to continue doing. The day I stop moving is the day the sleeping monster within wins. Stop moving? Not an option. Those are the days I push back. And push back with a vengeance. Those are the days I am determined to not let this disease alter my life, my behavior, my routine, my anything. The more I keep things the way they were BD the more it seems like there is no sleeping monster within.

Then there was today. I mentally planned to get an early start. And I mean early, like 3 am. Ok, needless to say that didn't work. What was waiting for me on the other side of 3 am were the twins: imbalance and vibration. Yeah, not all babies are cute. I no likey them so much. So, I slept some more. Now it's 5 am and I really need to my day moving. But apparently the twins were having a restless night and I couldn't slip by them. They were wide awake and waiting on me. In that moment, just when I was about to succumb to their antics I heard my husband's voice "you move too fast". You see, I'm a wake up hit the ground running type of chic. When I'm moving I'm moving full speed ahead. I have everything down to a timetable. If you ask me what time will I be downstairs and have breakfast on the table for the girls if I get up at 6 am I will tell you exactly 6:09 am. Everything is timed to the minute, to maximize efficiency. I can't help it. It's my analytical brain. I'm a professionally trained problem solver. It is my job to take an issue break it down into multiple "mini-tasks" then analyze the best plan of attack to reach the highest probability of a resolution. I know, too much right? I'm sorry it's genetic or something. Actually maybe not, my mom claims she doesn't know whose child I am. The difficulty in this type of thinking is that I can't break down the disease. It is greater than the sum of its parts. Or so I thought. Until I heard his voice "you move too fast". So I didn't. I first opened one eye, then the other. Then I just laid there and let myself just be for about five minutes. Then I sat up slowly placing my feet on the floor. And got up. WITHOUT THE TWINS! Apparently, the lack of sudden movement or the peace with which I began my day lulled them asleep. Whatever it was, this was one thing I choose not to analyze.

So today is the day. The day I chose to not push back but to embrace the love, care, and concern of my family. Because if your Like Me....today is the day you needed it.

1 comment:

  1. This is a incredibly touching blog and I hope the twins will remain still, incapable of disruption or imposing any interference in your daily life and it's routine. I won't pretend to understand the mental or physical affect this condition plays, because I can't, however I will pledge to be as supportive as I possibly can to help you through this. Despite the unwelcoming news and diagnosis, this disease does not and will not define the person that you are and have always been....BEAUTIFUL!!